[I'm getting the best of both worlds.]

[chanterofelegies]

... So why do people try to convince me it's so wrong?

 

Why would my mother say it's totally ok for me to like men AND women, and not allow me to bring a girlfriend home?

She says it's because she knows people won't accept it as easily as she does, but I doubt it's the only reason. It's not that I'm sure I'm going to get a girlfriend and want to take her home. I would never make someone I love go to a place where they are not welcome.

My mother, my sister and my younger brother know I'm bi. Most of my friends do, too. My father doesn't, though he probably suspects it by now. I was knew that no matter what, I'd have problems with my father for this. And my grandmother. God, I definitely would like to avoid telling her.

I've been in a state where I can only be happy when I'm here, using the computer. That's why I use it so much, really. It's the only time I'm happy. Just today,I started reading a webcomic, Yu+Me. It's beautiful, it made me feel ... somehow like I actually had a place in the world. So anyway. Father was using the computer today, and went into the History and all... So he found the comic. And his reaction was pretty much "So this is what you've been doing all this time? Reading comics about lesbians?" and of course I got upset, because there shouldn't be nothing wrong. It's just a comic. It could be about straight people. I just happened to like this one. And he was only mad because he is a man with his head full of prejudice. I started crying and telling him exactly that, and he said he has nothing against it, and all that crap. The way he talked, made me feel like the worst person in the world. And Mother just totally sided with him, told me to stop crying and overreacting, to shut up. Which she always does when I cry.

It only made me realize something I already suspected: This was never my place, it's the house where I've lived all my life, but it isn't where I belong. I will never belong here. I can never tell my father that I like women. I can't talk to him about my feelings. Any of them.

 

I just want to live my life and be happy, and have someone I can trust and love, without feeling guilty.

Comments

[satsu-basu.livejournal.com]

...I'm so sorry, darling. I wish I could do something to make you feel better. Or at least live close to you so I could hug you for real and give you a shoulder to cry on.
You know how much I love you, you know that I'll always be here for you. But it saddens me that all I can really do for you is listen and empathize.
It's hard, to not feel comfortable in your own home. I've felt that way, too, though not for the same reasons. And talking to you has been a vent for me many times.
Sometimes I wish I could talk to your father... His attitudes really get to me. As parents, they should know better, how much it hurts to, somehow, not be accepted by the two people that should at least try to understand you no matter what.
I can only imagine what you're going through, but if there's anything I can do to help you, please, let me know and I'll gladly do everything in my power to try and make you feel better.
I'll always love you, darling. Don't forget that, k?

[fire-lord-azula.livejournal.com]

Hey, love.  I wish we weren't so far away, you know.  You could always come to me.  I would let you stay with me, if you ever felt you needed to get away.  I would never judge you.  Never.

I know exactly how it is to find solace on the computer.  The people who are closest to you are supposed to be tolerant; understanding.  When you can't feel you can lean on them and confide in them, it hurts.  You should never be meant to feel that way, especially by your own parents.

I don't want to say too much about your father because it's probably not my place, but my father has never understood me, either.  And when he hugged me before I left, saying he really did love me, I just stood there and said "okay".  I didn't believe him.  I couldn't bring myself to say "I love you, too" or return the hug.  I'm not sure I even love him.  He's always felt like a stranger and has never approved of my appearance, my hobbies, or anything else I've done in my life.  There were times where he made me feel like the worst person in the world, too.  Because I moved away, I broke free of that.  I want to cut him out of my life and just... start over; something.  I would hope it would never come to that for you -- it would be wonderful if you could have an actual bond with your father and feel loved and understood by him; by your entire family.  I wish you the best.

You should never be made to feel that your feelings are wrong.  They're not.  You're a beautiful person.  You deserve to be loved, cared for, listened to, and respected.

Empathy only translates so well over the computer, but know that it hurts me every time you're hurting.  It really does.  I wish I could comfort you in person and give you the support you need.  I can only do so much here -- it's painful...

I'll always, always, always love you.  I'll always support you.  And you can talk to me about anything, any time.  Please, if you ever need someone to listen, come to me.  Nothing you could say would offend me.  You can vent... cry... do whatever you need to.  Know that I love you, forever, and I'm here if you want me.

[kyoy.livejournal.com]

That sounds horrible :< I think parents tend to be unreasonable like that because they're old-fashioned and traditional, being raised to think what was right and wrong. I've always wanted my hair to be short but my dad insists it be long simply because I'm a girl. We once had a small fight about it, he directly asked me if I was gay. I don't know what pissed me off more, him being so closed-minded or the fact that he thought being gay was scandalously unacceptable. I have gay friends and they're good people.

I wish I could do something for you to make you feel better but I don't know what to do. I wish I could say something more than that to lift your spirits up but I've got nothing. I'm so sorry you have to feel this way with your own family. I'm sorry I can't do anything to help you. But I'll be just here, sincerely hoping you feel better soon. *hug*